


replaceable (or not)

by Waterfall_Creek97



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: And Me - Freeform, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Family, Family Feels, Gen, Insecure Keith (Voltron), Keith (Voltron) Needs a Hug, Post S4 Finale, suicidal keith, team as oblivious idiots, they don't see how much they hurt him
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-09
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-02-12 11:27:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12958203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Waterfall_Creek97/pseuds/Waterfall_Creek97
Summary: Hurt on a mission and insecure, Keith and the others have to work through things that have happened recently. Post S4 finale





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hi again,
> 
> Wow, two publishings so close together...I'm shocked!
> 
> So...without further ado...
> 
> Enjoy!

**_Prologue_ **

_Breathe_

The pulling in of air and oxygen, then the exhalation of air and poisons in your body. The repetition of in and out that keeps you alive. Keeps your blood flowing, your lungs filling and your body functioning.

_Breathe_

You subconsciously do it. One of the uncontrolled functions of your body. One of the things it does for you cause if it didn't you'd be dead.

He knew that. Remembered all of the basics from high school biology his own experiences and theories.

_Now if he could just make his body remember that._

He attempted to suck in the much needed oxygen, to pull it in, fill his lungs.

_But his lungs ...just ...wouldn't... work_

His chest ached of oxygen starvation, and his head pounded with the lack of air and blood. His body hummed painfully under the pressure, the exertion.

_But he wasn't going to find any air out here_

He gazed out at the stars, gleaming and glittering from their spots in the universe. His body stiffened from the cold. He could feel the vacuum of space crushing his unprotected body, from the inside out.

_What he wouldn't give to have his lion_

Well, not that Red was his anymore.

No, he'd felt it as she pulled away from him, the cracks in their bond spreading, growing until the whole thing shattered, crumbled into dust to be blown away in the wind of life leaving him alone in his mind for the first time in...what felt like forever ( _and his chest ached with the memories he was left with, her saving his life, pulling him in, in in_ ).

_What should have been forever._

_Just like before. Not wanted, always alone. worthless worthless worthless_

But really...could he have (should he have) expected anything else? It's not like anyone ever stayed for him. Tried to wait for him to realize where he wanted to be. Waited for him to return from figuring things out.

Nah, why would they?

_Not like he was special. Or even wanted. Never ever ever_

Why was he always so replaceable? He never met his Mom cause she'd left when he was just a baby. His Dad lasted a bit longer, but the memories and the pain became too much for him to handle.

_Is there not one person in this entire galaxy that gave a one freaking damn about him?_

He used to think Shiro did. The man who would randomly show up at his dorm room door to drag him out to town. Drag him to the movies, to eat, a few parties (one more memorable occasion, a concert). The man who refused to be ignored, rejected, refused to be pushed away until Keith had no choice but to accept him. He became his big brother.

_He never thought he'd have abandoned him._

_Does the universe love to screw him over or what_

Keith knew the team didn't care if he was there. Never had. Never accepted completely into the mold

Hunk cared for him in that way that he cared about every being in the universe. You were living, so you had to matter

Pidge...he never quite understood how she felt about him. She was so brash, emotionally stunted and just too damn smart to even try and understand and know him.

Lance... he knew Lance hated him. The boy had said it from the moment they met. They'd had their moment or two of camaraderie, of companionship, but...it'd never changed anything in the long run. Never had a bond

_And then he'd taken his place, howhowhow_

Allura, he knew despised him. For all that she'd apologized, said she wanted him to return to them on that one mission, he could see it in every movement she made around him, every look shot his way when he wasn't supposed to be looking. And Coran always, always sided with the princess.

_And she'd helped Lance keep Red by keeping Blue_

Even Red, precious, precious Red who was as much a part of him as he was of her left him, _abandoned him._

_So easily, so so easily replaced_

His lungs burned and he could feel himself drifting away, literally and figuratively. His entire left side burned from where he'd been caught in the explosion. On fire, burning red

_Never let it be said he went out without a bang_

He never believed Lotor could be trusted. And this just proved it.

At least his death would be useful, even if he wasn't. The Blades and Voltron (and that hurt so so bad) would know that the Galra Prince couldn't be trusted, he would just betray them like Keith had said from the beginning ( _no one ever listened to him about this sort of thing)_

Keith closed his eyes and breathed out.

_He never even noticed the speck of light that grew brighter and brighter and it came towards him with a roar_

**_TBC..._ **


	2. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Burning, searing, pain
> 
> Fixing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all, I'm back! So, didn't end up very week, but with finals and stuff...Sorry guys can't say I feel too guilty.
> 
> Hope y'all enjoy this next part! Ready for more angst?
> 
> All mistakes are my own. Don't forget to read and review!

_**V:LD** _

_**Chapter 1~** _

Keith couldn't remember a time when there wasn't red - _blessed red-_ in his life.

Red has always been a constant, never ending presence. Always there. In the burns, the blood, the pain, the fire burning so so blindingly bright inside of him, holding him, wrapping him in its embrace.

_A lion, so so precious and dear, only for him, only him. not there anymore. gonegonegone_

So honestly when the psychologist at the garrison did the preliminary psychiatric exam for new applicants -cadets-, he wasn't surprised when all his answers took the Doctor to anger, rage, pain, madness. Left the man confused and worried and scared and putting on a piece of paper he's unacceptable, can't be allowed, too broken; no matter of simulation scores or raw skill or shear _want._

_Red was the color of those feelings wasn't it? Wasn't it?_

_Was it lucky or unlucky for him that Iverson, stupid stupid bastard Iverson ignored that?_

Red painted his life, gave it color -life, blessed life- instead of the bleakness he was covered in, surrounded in (gave him the ability to _breathe to feel_ ). It left him ostracized, the loner, the outcast.

Alone, always alone

_Unwanted itsfineitsfineitsfine Normal_

And the Red came, beautiful, scary not normal _-so like him-_ strong Red, and he was wanted _(needed)_ for those qualities he'd always carried, always left him alone, those things that left him different and not _normal_.

For once he _belonged._ Fit like a hand in a leather glove made just for him

_perfect_

Thats what he'd thought. And doesn't he always get himself screwed over? Always hype himself up _\- up and up and up, higher higher-_ and then get torn back down to the depths of hell?

_downdowndown_

_abyss_

But maybe he should have known that? Probably? I mean, when his life started taking on more colors _-greedy so damn greedy damn it-_ that should have told him it wouldn't last forever right? Should've known. Never last

_blue, black, green, yellow, pink, orange his own rainbow_

_happiness_

_stupid stupid stupid_

No matter how it happened _-why he let it happen stupid stupid stupid-_ it was gone. The Red that had been so comforting, the only constant presence in his lonely, pain stricken life...was gone. Wiped away like it had never been there. Never been the one to hold him up, fill him with peace, tell him everything would be okay, just _breathe, live_

_like he'd never seen color- light- before in his life._

And now he's swallowed in darkness. Never ending

_Not black, never black never ever ever no matter how much pain tied to it. Hurt hurt hurt_

just complete, utter darkness. Surrounding him, filling him. Pushing into his head, his heart, his life. Wiping away any trace of light- _of red of color-_ from him, leaving him so so empty and alone again.

_Any color would be better, so so so much better than this. Let it end pleasepleaseplease_

There was nothing in the darkness. No other presence, not a thing he could draw strength from. It was just empty

_empty empty empty_

Like a void.

A never ending hole, no bottom to reach and no sides to grasp like it was your only lifeline. To grip, to hold onto tightly and never let go.

And he _screamed_

_**V:LD** _

_And he woke_

_**V:LD** _

To Red, Keith was everything. They'd fit like a glove. Pain and pain. Rage and Rage. Love and love.

Regret and regret.

They'd been _one._ Mind, body and soul, bound together.

_and hadn't that made her smug, that her paladin connected so much better_ _than her sisters'. not the last one for once_

There was nothing kept secret from each other. She'd known his past, his story, his pain. And he'd known her regret, her lonely so many lifetimes.

_They'd held each other together._

Then Black's paladin was gone. And She'd felt the pain of her _sister and her paladin_.

_pain pain pain_

Black was cold, detached and alone.

Then she'd taken what wasn't hers.

_And didn't that make her angry_

But she'd accepted it, _short term not long at all she'd have him back_

So she'd taken Blue's, _out of spite and being petty and need for someone, anyone to feel for_

_not the same never the same_

But it hadn't mattered cause Blue's like water, and just adapted to the Princess like they were made for each other.

_And that stung because no one was feeling the pain like she was, dying inside ripping her apart_

And then Black's paladin returned, and Red began to hope that she'd be one with hers again and everything would be back to the way it was. _perfect_

_She'd felt the same hope within her one, growing growing growing and didn't that please her tremendously_

But Black was spiteful and hurting and _just not letting go of her one_

Red could feel the change between her and her one. Could feel the hurt and the pain and the anger coursing through his veins and their shared mind. Could tell part of that was directed toward her for taking Blue's

_How could she explain to him it would never be the same never ever ever_

_Her one was the only one she'd speak to in their mind_

Then Black suddenly without warning took her own back and left Red's hanging with nothing to hold on to and dangling off the precipice of despair.

She felt their bond strain and snap and couldn't tell her one to _just come back to her she's not leaving him_

And he'd left, leaving behind pain and anger and hurt and abandonment and _she could still feel all of this in him burning him down, breaking him more than anything she'd felt in him before_

She'd kept Blue's, cause she was with Allura and Red wasn't going to sit the war out no matter what

_Still hurt, stung, bled_

_Didn't mean she didn't wait for her one to return_

_Cause this was still temporary_

It had been months, and Red knew Blue's one could feel the gap between them, didn't care, knew he knew the reason why.

They'd been fighting, winning and losing but moving forward.

_She still could feel the burn from when she'd almost lost her one before the galran prince came_

_That was enough to make her want to trust him_

_She could still feel the pain in her one, no matter the broken bond_

Still life continued and she hadn't seen her one, could still feel the shards of their former bond, but kept the roots of it alive for _someday_.

But now...now she could feel the agony, se _aring, burning, tearing through her one_ and it _killed her._

She roared and slammed against the bay doors, shook the castle going to tear it down if it _didn't let her go to her one_

She could hear Blue's one, her replacement one calling for her, trying to reach her but she blocked him out only caring about _her one who was burning inside dying_

Finally the doors hissed open with a slam and she took off moving faster than she ever had before in her life _willing to burn the universe down if it would get to her one quicker_

She could feel the agony of her ones wounds, the fog covering his brain, his thoughts, his movements.

She could feel the vacuum of space as it suddenly crushed _him, killing him, ending him_

She _roared_

**_V:LD_ **

_She got there in time_

**_V:LD_ **

_His eyes opened with a gasp_


	3. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Breathing  
> Escaping  
> Waiting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all I'm back! Thank you for all the kind reviews, its much appreciated!
> 
> Now onwards with the Angst! We all know we're masochists for it...
> 
> Enjoy;)

**V:LD**

_And he screamed_

**V:LD**

_And he woke_

**V:LD**

_And he woke with a gasp_

**V:LD**

His chest burned. An uncontrollable fire consuming him from the inside out. Licking his ribs with its melting touch.

_God but he could BREATHE_

He gasped and gasped until his throat couldn't pull in anymore air and then some. But still his chest burned and ached.

_And he could remember every moment of not breathing, of being crushed until his eyes slipped shut and he dove into oblivion_

He slowly peeled his eyes open but slammed them shut when the piercing light awaiting him pounded fractures into his already broken skull. He groaned and went to grasp his head, pull his hair out, anything to distract from splits in his head and the nails scraping his throat with every gasp he continued to pull in desperately.

_He knew he could breathe but he just...couldn't...get...enough...of it_

Then he tumbled forward onto the awaiting cold metal floor when the pod he'd apparently been occupying released him with a hiss and a thump. He released another groan when his already aching head and chest hit the hard surface, unable to catch himself.

He breathed and gasped, coating the surface at his face with a foggy mirage with every exhale. His limbs trembled with the sudden chill, shivering and shaking and aching _and he just couldn't stop._

And then, from nowhere, and everywhere he could feel himself heating, loosening the hold the cold had on him until he could move without jabbing every piece of body on the floor.

_And by God, if he couldn't recognize that warm, rejuvenating touch in his mind._

_Red. It was Red. God it was Red, but why? why why why how_

A low, warm growl filled his head, his heart, everywhere.

_-How could I not save, come always my One-_

Keith hissed and clutched his ears. No, it couldn't be. He wasn't Red's anymore. _Howhowhowwhywhywhy_

_But that would mean..._

He flung his head around, gaze bouncing and jumping from object to object in his field of vision. Red purred what was supposed to be a comforting rumble in his mind.

_He was on the Castle_

**V:LD**

Keith finished pulling on the clothes - _his clothes, his, his, mine-_ left for him on the table in the middle of the med bay. He winced when the movements sent jackknifes through his skull and down his neck but pushed on. He looked around until he found his knife that he knew would be there, and sheathed it to his belt. He stood and twisted looking and looking. He just couldn't find his Blade uniform.

- _Why would you need that hideous uniform my One?-_

Keith cringed and pushed Red away. She'd been trying to talk to him the whole time, and he could feel the splintered remains of their bond pulling together, stitching themselves back together. Could be almost perfect.

_He couldn't let that happen. Not again. He couldn't survive it._

Red growled and pushed and he pushed back, back, back until she conceded. Cowered away. Docile

_She wasn't docile, never ever ever. whatwhywhy_

Her answering growl echoed, and when he went to push again he realized that he _heard_ that. With his ears.

"Really, Red?"

There was another answering growl and he shook his head, but couldn't help the smirk that curved the edges of his chapped lips.

She wasn't docile. Just biding her time. Biding her time til he accepted their connection, til he wanted to talk.

The smirk slipped and his eyes hardened.

_Well that wasn't going to happen_

He pushed forward and stepped into the hallway. He froze, not sure what to do almost. It was hard being back, and harder leaving when all he wanted was for time to go back so he could feel at home here. Hold onto those moments just a little longer before they dissolved into water in his hands, sliding away and leaving him aching and dry and abandoned.

_He needed to get out of here. Now_

And The coast was clear.

He walked down the hall, ears pricked for the sound of approaching footsteps. He stepped softly, carefully. Making no sound as he moved through the labyrinth that was the hallways of the Castle of Lions.

_De ja vu, everywhere. He knew the route. Back of his hand._

He let out a pent of breath, throat still scraping, raw.

He knew he should probably tell his apparent saviors thank you for coming to him in what he knew was the knick of time but he just..couldn't face them. Not now, not ever. Their faces, their colors, would rip him apart and he was already barely holding on by a thread, one that was just barely holding his seams together and fraying at the edges.

_He couldn't unbury all that hurt, that pain, that anger. Not when it was wedged between his ribs and lungs and veins, in every nook and cranny of his body -his soul- that it could find._

He continued on his path to the hangar. Feet carrying him the path they'd done a million times before.

He'd have to steal a pod. The thrum beneath his feet and his steadying hand on the wall told him they were in space, floating God knows where heading to anywhere. So he'd have to steal a pod if he wanted off this ship.

_Which he did even with his heart beating, no stay home home_

So he'd steal a pod, and get to the nearest planet he could til he could contact Kolivan to have someone pick him up and take him back to the base. He could debrief and pray that the intel he'd sent had made it through and they could finally, finally finish Lotor's reign before it really begins. Then he could arrange to have the pod returned with a note of apology and gift to make it not chafe and burn and turn to ash.

And when he next saw them it would be over video call and he'd have his mask on and pretend it didn't ache when he thought about before, and them, and Red and complete _happiness_ and calm before the storm that destroyed everything dear to him.

So he persevered through the nostalgia and the thoughts and the apparent lead in his shoes slowing him down. He pushed himself onward, forward, moving towards the hangar. Away from his past that wouldn't stop haunting him, twisting the knife deeper and deeper with every breath away, and every breath they didn't thinkn about him. Away from this. Away from the heartbreak.

He just needed to get there. Everything else could be after. He just needed to _get there._

Distantly he could pick up the sounds of running footsteps, pounding the path towards him.

**V:LD**

She could feel when her One woke up.

It was with a gasp and a grunt and more gasping and she could feel the pain burning through his chest and head. She could feel his shaking and jittering against the floor he'd fallen against - _and why wasn't one of the others there to catch him, hold him?shouldbeshouldbeshouldbe-_ until she couldn't take it anymore and sent warmth and heat and love over the bond. She felt it when he recognized her touch. Felt a different sort of tremor and felt the _whywhywhy_

- _How could I not save, come always my One-_

The answering bombardment of how and why and _howwhyhowwhy_ spun through her mind in a swirl of hurt and confusion and pain, and why would she come after him when he wasn't hers and she wasn't his and they weren't _them_ and it hurt and stung but that didn't matter cause he was panicking and he needed to calm and breathe.

So she purred and he pushed and stalled and froze and she knew he knew where he was. And he just stopped and it was blank between her and him. And then he was up and moving and dressed and looking for that hideous - _hideous replacement he didn't belong in that-_ uniform.

_-Why would you need that hideous uniform my One-_

And he pushed against her. Tried to block her.

Now Red's One was stubborn. She'd known that from the moment she'd accepted him and the moment he'd accepted her and they'd been happy. They both were. They were one and the same.

But right now she wished he could not be quite so much as he continued to push away her attempted at picking up the shards of their shared mind and stitch them back together with love and warmth and home but he just _wouldn't let her_

So she pulled back, waiting and waiting and she could feel the concern and the distress but that wall was still there so she roared. It rang through the castle and her sisters questioned but she blocked them and ignored their questions and confusion.

_They didn't understand_

_"Really, Red?"_

She heard it, knew he knew she heard it so she growled again. Felt the answering mild humor. Slight warmth. Hope

And then it was blank again and there was nothing and it was empty.

She felt him move through the castle, knew where he was heading, knew she had to stop him but _she couldn't_ so she called and called and finally she was let in and growled and roared until she made herself understood and she was _waiting and waiting._

**V:LD**

_Pounding footsteps skidded to a stop._

**V:LD**

_Hands grabbed his arms and pulled_

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is going to have a ton of angst, drama, feels and all of those nice lovely things. Don't worry, there will be a happy ending, just have to work for it;)
> 
> Can't you just tell I love stories where the team has to make it up to Keith? Cause I think they treated him so badly...
> 
> I hope to have an update every week, but with life...I'll try my best


End file.
